• Thou shall take pride in referring to thyself as an “old broad” or “old geezer” and associate only with other old geezers or old broads for thee has found pleasure in the adage that misery loves company. In response to “how are you?” always reply, “Oh, I’m okay for an old geezer/broad.” This establishes thy commitment to Fogeyism.

(You are what you say you are.  I am so bummed out by  the old broad and old geezer stuff that I promise to report to Judge Judy (when she is at her crankiest and spewing fire and brimstone), anyone who calls him or herself an old broad or old geezer. She may sentence you to associate only with certified old geezers and old broads and I promise, you will regret your decision to adopt this article of faith of Fogeyism.)

• Thou shall wear a t-shirt with emblazoned with large bold print that announces, “I’m retired and doin’ nothin’.” It’s the official sign that thou art a proud practitioner of Fogeyism.

(Better to wear an “I’m Putting Old on Hold” t-shirt. Or “Yeah, I’m retired but I’m working to make the world a better place.”)

• Thou shall proselytize for of the religion of Fogeyism.  That means thou shall lead others to join the fold. Thou shall do so by reminding friends and relatives of “a certain age” that they are getting old and senile. To reinforce thy efforts, thou shall send negative birthday cards to assure them they are indeed losing it. Also, thou shall send gifts of Ex-lax and Milk of Magnesia to reinforce the intent of thy message. The point is to get as many believers as possible to join thee because there is strength in numbers and remember, misery loves company.

(Please – no more disgusting cutsey greeting cards that remind of advancing age.  Instead, send a greeting that tells the recipient how wonderful they are, and do not refer to age.  After all, it’s just a number! You will feel wonderful and so will the recipient.)

• Thou shall engage in negative self-talk that hastens decline and limits thy potential, with comments such as “I’m too old to do that,” or “I’m too old to learn anything new.”

(Again, you are what you say you are, so be careful how you talk about yourself. If you don’t say positive things about yourself who will?)

• Thou shall not (if thou art a mature woman) have a relationship with a male significantly younger than thou art. If thou choose to do so, thou will be marked as a cradle robber and thy hapless significant other will become the object of derision and said to be in need of a mother. However, if thou art a male and find a decades younger woman dumb enough to endure your Fogeyism, thou art (wink wink) a lucky duck.

(When will we figure it out? Women live longer than men. Women should marry younger men. I’ve seen lonely, older widowed women go to ridiculous lengths to get the attention of the most eligible (and that ain’t saying much) widower at the senior center. Let’s face it, an older woman is a great catch for reasons too numerous to mention (and you do know what the reasons are, don’t you?). Old guys generally are not a great catch (and you do know why they are not, don’t you?) It’s as simple as that. Feel free to disagree.)